If you don’t drift to win, what do you drift for?

Do I drift to win? Well I know snow drifts and drifters well they obviously must drift, but alas I personally don’t drift, to be honest I can’t do a three point turn or even parallel park, ashamedly I can’t even drive.

I live permanently in what could be best described as an existential rut, which can quickly pass through the existential funk stage and lead to a full blown manifestation of an existential crisis. I am also a huge fan of the French existential novelist and philosopher Albert Camus. One of his most famous, and my favourite quote of his is:

“Since we‘re all going to die, it’s obvious that when and how don‘t matter.’

His shear disregard for the sanctity of life is in equal parts and simultaneously chilling, amusing and disturbing. While there is a slither of truth to what he is saying, you would really have to be residing in the darkest depths of an existential abyss to concur fully with his idea. I’m pretty sure most of us can think of preferable ways and times in the future to die at.

Whilst in all honesty I am quite a distance from the infinite darkness of the severest existential crisis, I have been moved significantly closer towards it following two situations which occurred this very afternoon. The two situations share one common denominator, and are responsible for my latest need to ask myself

“really what is the point, is this what we’ve become?”

While I was at work my wife went and went did something I am finding it difficult to come to terms with. She went to the cinema, when the only thing that was showing was The Fast and the Furious 7. A movie franchise that has proved so popular with society that it has been necessary to remake it 6 times. In a moment of mindless abandon, and with little in the way of self respect I watched one of these movies. As I remember it was set in Japan and involved the protagonist resolving a feud with the son of a ruthless Yakuza boss, by challenging him to race a car up a mountain. Now I am no aficionado on organized Asian crime, but I am willing to bet that the success of such crime syndicates does not stem from resolving their conflicts by racing cars up mountains, and more by shooting the people they don’t like in the face. For the sheer depravity and absence of logic and the absurdity of the plot left me feeling violated for some time afterwards. Up until now it is something I have only admitted to my closest friends.

So when my wife came home and told me what she had gone and done, I lost considerable respect for her and I can only say it’s going to take time to work this out. I mean how does a person willfully take themselves to the cinema, purchase a ticket, and then sit through that crap? When I made my error of judgement and watched one of these movies, I had hired a dvd, chosen in a very fragile state of mind. The level of my premeditation was minimal, but my wife more or less planned her whole day around going to see this move. As she is my wife I am aware that I am obliged to bve understanding and give her a second chance. I know however that there will be days when I look at her and the only thing I’ll see is her sitting in a cinema, watching The Fast and the Furious 7.  

Sadly my wife was not alone when she went to view this film, the movie grossed $392 million worldwide in its first weekend alone. That equates to at least 40 maybe 50 million people worked in order to earn the money to then pay for and sit through a movie with no plot and little dialogue, just cars and explosions.

The Wisdom of The Fast and the Furious

7 movies grossing over $2.5 billion are not going to be without their wisdom, life lessons or deeper moral reasoning and this is some of its best:

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I applied similar wisdom with a rat I had in my house. Now I’ve just got two rats instead of one, so I’m not sure why it should work with wolves.
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It’s ironic because the script and plot were both worked out with a similar approach and forethought.
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But of course if you lose by an inch you look a lot less of a twat than if you lose by a mile.

 

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Unless you’re incapable of even standing beside your car. In which case you’d better order a taxi and just walk away from that bravado race talk you just had with some guy in the bar.

 

 

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Maybe I’m just a normal guy hoping to get inside your pants.


I was weakened by my disbelief at what my wife had gone and done. As I sat on the floor up against the sofa, I channel surfed in a dazed, confused, semi conscious state. What my wife had gone and done was beyond reason. no explanation could possibly be offered that could explain the events of the afternoon. Far off in the distance I heard someone authoritatively demand “stop!” Instinctively my thumb removed itself from the button that had enabled me to ride the waves of entertainment and that now cruelly washed me up upon the shores of another fetid movie franchise. When I came to I was in the midst of Die Hard 4.0.

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Bored with not having the opportunity to slaughter the innocent citizens of Afghanistan or Iraq, the pilot of this F32 makes do with the freeway at rush hour.

From what I could gather the franchises new evil villain, was scheming to steal the entire wealth of the United States. Whilst I was pondering the logistics involved in just how that could be achieved the movie itself progressed. The next thing I remember being aware of was that Bruce Willis’ daughter had been captured by the bad people and put into the back of a van. Like any responsible law enforcer/father Bruce Willis gave chase in an HGV, down a freeway, during rush hour. He was to be seen ploughing his way through endless cars which must have contained scores of innocent commuters, but it was clear Bruce did not give a shit. The next thing I saw, or at least I think I saw it, I was in such a confused state and rapidly losing the will to live, was Bruce Willis’ HGV being attacked by an F35 Lightning. Again the pilot of this gave no regard for collateral damage, firing off missiles, and machine guns until a significant portion of the road network had been left irreparably damaged for the best part of the next decade. I was by this stage totally delirious, choking upon the nonsensical madness unfolding before me, I saw images of Bruce Wills, having abandoned his destroyed HGV walking atop of the stricken F35 as the pilot ejects. It was at this stage I thankfully drifted out of consciousness, only to awaken later feverishly from visions of psychotically irresponsible New York Cops challenging members of the Triads to races in jet fighter around the Statue of Liberty to resolve who would pay for the spring rolls.

Are you aware that globally the Die Hard franchise has grossed $1.4 billion dollars. That means between them The Fast and The Furious and the Die Hard movies have netted $3.9 billion dollars. That’s $3.9 billion dollars that could have surely gone to any number of more worthwhile causes than lining the talentless pockets of Hollywood.

The article below details way to spend up to $1 billion dollars, one or two of the suggestions I consider to be far more entertaining than watching any of these movies.

http://www.therichest.com/expensive-lifestyle/the-top-10-things-you-can-buy-if-you-had-a-billion-dollars-2/

A round trip to the moon costs $750 million. In my opinion we would have all benefited far more if we had sent the cast of The Fast and the Furious, not only would it have prevented those miserable movies ever being made, it might just have saved the life of Paul Walker, a true win win solution. Alternatively if we had all pooled our money together we could have purchased four F35 Lightnings and shot at Bruce Willis for real, surelya far more entertaining proposition.

So I teeter on the brink of falling into an existential gulch, I am left pondering, “do I really live in a world where people are happy and willing to give nearly $4 billion of their hard earned, and taxed incomes, to watch movies that are about as enjoyable as sitting with a toothache in the waiting room of a dentist.


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