There is but one truly philosophical problem and that is suicide.
Since I was 14, it’s a problem I have had to face, a question I am made to answer everyday, but in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.
I wanted this to provide me with some sort of catharsis, an opportunity to put the past behind me, but that’s absurd, no one can change who they are, there’s no sense in running and hiding from yourself. This is me, there can be no light without darkness, but the darkness gets forever deeper. Sitting on the edge and staring into the abyss, sometimes the abyss stares right back, and it scares me.
There must be chaos in your soul in order to create a dancing star, it’s yin and yang at its most extreme. But I have no control over the depths of the darkness and when a soul suffers too much it develops a taste for misfortune, accidents can happen, an accident did happen. I do try my best to control the depth of darkness and the intensity of the light, I take the drugs now. At first I felt it was too great an admission of my failure and I refused to take them. The consequences of this were severe.
Au milieu de l’hiver, j’ai découvert en moi un invincible été.
Have you ever read Camus? You could read him in the original French. He really is something.
I’m always in the depths of winter, but some days at least I dream of making perfect snowmen, snowmen with enough courage to live.